Jaleo

Jaleo means commotion.. It's pronounced as haleo, it's a Spanish word and it’s also one of my favorite songs by Ricky Martin.

I had so many confusions in mind that’s when I remembered this song. (Commotion in heart - the theme based on which the song was written)

My heart started to sing the song without much interest. Firstly, I dint know the entire lyrics because it was all Spanish. Secondly, I wasn’t very happy when I sang that and finally, the song dint suit the situation. Then I began to think, I just thought to take a closer look at what’s happening around me and why I’m sad.

I asked myself, what’s happening??? The answer was "NOTHING", nothing at all. At least I was sure that nothing was happening my way.
I wasn't doing any good to myself and to the others around. I have become dumb. I wasn't productive in whatever I did. It’s ok now, I mean the time when I started writing this blog, still uncertain about how much I recovered from this jaleo.

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My life was like two sides of a coin, Head and Tail.

"Head" was the real me, it contains the characters that i portray to the outside world. "Tail" was a strange one; it was full of hidden secrets!!
Secrets? I had so many silly stuff that I don’t share with the others. Secrets remain secret to one set of ppl I knew; it may/may not be a secret to the others. Eg: I freak out with friends sometime, but I don’t tell all that to my parents. I love my parents and they love me. But the thing was, whenever I tend to avoid this "Tail", they both turned weird.

Eg: 90 on 100 times I go home late because I went to a coffee pub and 99 on 100 times my parents would be angry at least until I say the reason why I was late. In these situations, to tell or not to tell truth was my choice. If I tell truth (i.e. to avoid tail) they turn weird because they- not they both but my dad- dint trust me. He always suspects that I roam around with a guy all evening, whenever I come late. He never admitted this to me straight, but would ask numerous questions. My dad used to impose all his imagination to my mom (without my knowledge). My mom's very innocent, she'd believe everything (if reinforced on and on).

Dad: (with angry face) yen late? (The time would be just around 8 o' clock)
Me: (tensed) vella poinden
Dad: Phone panni sollitu poga koodadha?
Me: illapa time aagumnu theriyadu adhan (Moving in to keep my things in the study, my mom is sitting in the dining room and I sit opposite to her)
Mom: enga poinda?
Me: Bharani, Sarenya oda coffee day poindenma.. adunaala dhan late aaiduchu... inniki orunaal dhan ma please..
Mom: Yedukku dedeernu vella ponenga?
Me: Illama romba bore adichidu adhunaladhan
Mom: Seri inniki oru naal paravailla... inime vella pona munnadiye solliduma pls...
Me: (lil relieved) ok... sollidren ma
Now my dad closes the main door and comes in

Dad: enga ponna nee? (Still angry)
(He sits next to me, staring at me)
Mom: Friends oda vella poindalam.. inniki oru naal dhan
Dad: Friendsaa ennda friends?
Me: Friends na Bharani, Sarenya dhan.. verayaaru?
Dad: Oru Phone pannarthukku onnaku evlo neyram aagum?
Me: illa pa ivlo neyram aagumnu theriyaadu
Dad: Seri adellam right.. dedeernu edukku inniki vella ponenga moonupeyrum?
Me: (with pale face) chumma dhan pa ponom
Dad: Chumma ipdidhan vella povengala? (Raises his voice)
Mom: Seri... vidungo.. paavam inniki oru naal dhana..
Dad: Nee chumma irru.. ennaku idellam konjam kooda pudikala
Me: Seri....... vidunga.. Sorry inime naan engayum pogala.. (Getting up and heading to another room to change my clothes...)
Dad: (keeps mumbling to my mom) olunga veetuku vanda enna? ipdi dhan oorasuthitrupaangala...
Mom: seri.. vidungo..
(Inside the room... I start crying)
Dad: Konjam kooda sari kadayadhu... (Leaving the place)
Me: (Coming out) amma.... naan enna thuppuma panniten... ivlo kelvi kekarenga? neeyum appavoda senduta illa? enna nambave maatengala?
Mom: Seri. vidu.. onngappa ipdidhan.. Deepava koda ipdi dhan pannuva.. Deepa thirrupi nanna thituva.. nee chumma irruka adhan difference. Nee varrathukkula kathinde irrunda...

Me to my dad (after sometime): ennapa yen mela nambika illaya?
Dad: nambika thumbika ellam illa Savitha.. kaalam romba kettu kadaku.. onnum sollrathuku illa... (Other way of saying he doesn’t trust me)

This was just an example.. Though my dad never asked me whether I hang out with a guy or doing anything wrong (wrong – from his perspective) I always had a feeling that he suspected me. So, i always got screwed whenever I avoided tail. So I told numerous liessssssss

Same situation – The tail way

Dad: (with angry face) yen late?
Me: Bharani veetuku poinden.. naan sarenya, bharani sendhu oru project pannrom.. ma'am innike mudikka sonnanga, naalaiku print-out eduthu sumbit pannanam.. State-level competition... (Never allowing my dad to speak and moving in to keep my things in the study)

Then after explaining all this to my mom, dad enters.. (Not very angry, but confused)
Dad: enna dedeernu project???
Me: Ma'am inniku dhan sonnaanga... nalanikkudhan dead-line.. So adunaala anga poitom.
Dad: ohh.. ok.. Phone panni sollirkalamla.. bharani veetla dhan phone irruke
Me: illa pa.. konjam kuda time illa.. nyabagamum illa... project mudikanamnu orre tension.. (Getting up and heading to another room to change my clothes)
(With this both my mom and dad would become alright and stop interrogating me)

In Head.. All the three of us weren't happy. But would always leave them suspect me more whenever I come late in future. In Tail, both of them weren't unhappy.. (I don’t say they were all that HAPPY). But I felt terribly SICK that I never even had that courage to face reality.

Reality? To hell with it.. It always left me in deep shit. So, I always call all my lucky angels when I go home late!!

Suspicion was the word I hated in English, (ennaku Englishla pudikada orre vartha..... Sandegam) it made me go mad, it spoilt relationships. Till date, I have kept so many stupid things away from my parents. I couldn’t blame my dad completely for this; it was also because of me and my stupidity. I only gave room to all this. I should have stopped my dad in the beginning and should have made it clear that I would be a good girl from his stand point. I thought I shouldn’t suspect anyone. The funny part was my dad never knew that i was terribly hurt because of him.

I hardly go by "the-tail-way" with my friends.. But then we had our own limitations.

Imagine the plight of ppl who are like "Open Book"?? If I suddenly decide to open up all things I had in tail side.... I would be a deserted kid!!
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I dint like to have these two sides, I jus wanted to have one... I mean I just wanted to be myself. I dint want to carry so many little secrets in heart. It made me SICK..... Terribly SICK!! (Chicungunya vanda madri!! hahaha)

ahh!!.. Coming back to jaleo..
* I was idle almost all time at office.. Doing nothing.
* I wasn’t talking properly at home.
* Not reading books.. Not learning anything. I felt like a waste...

These were jus small things. Let the big thing be unwritten.
-----I felt like a likely-to-be-deserted woman!!

I got hurt last Saturday... had a tough time. So many things I have to get rid of all this...

Firstly, to find another job
Secondly, to talk to ppl at home properly.. with patience
Thirdly, to read books
And, finally, to continue my vrath (viradam)

The relationship between jaleo and head/tail scenario remains in “tail” side!! Varrta!!

Appettu!!